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October 24, 2013

I am so angry at you. You’re a selfish, self-centered, mooching, drug-addicted liar. I’m so tired of you using me and holding me back from having any kind of normal life. I can’t stand you, and at this rate you’re going to make me hate you very quickly. I’m so close to my breaking point, and I’m tired of pretending that everything is fine. You’d rather keep me sick so that you will not only not have to pay for anything, but so that you can continue to pop my pain pills.

Little do you know that this bottle is the last one, I’m ending that prescription. Just because I’m not taking them anymore doesn’t mean that they belong to you.
Little do you know that mom is helping me get my license, and helping me figure out how to work out my life until I can be out of here.
Little do you know that within the next year I’ll be married, and living wherever he’s stationed, which means moving away. I’m sure that’ll come as quite a surprise to you since you know nothing about what’s going on with me if it doesn’t benefit you.

But once I’m gone, I won’t be coming back to you, location wise or relationship wise. I believed you when you said you could be a dad and were telling me how great it would be if I came to live with you. And it was great for a while. But then I got sick and you stopped caring. You stopped caring when I needed you the most, and now I’m over it. I’m done working to try to make you be my dad, I’m done falling for your lies, im done letting you back in when I know I shouldn’t. And you won’t stop me, and you won’t use me, and you won’t be coming to see me, and when I’m far away and I have him and myself only to rely on and I finally figure out what’s wrong with me, and finally do something with my life, I hope you regret the things you’ve done.


I’ve been extremely stubborn, and i go back and forth between being angry and playing it cool like it doesn’t bother me that you’re not a part of my life anymore. But I actually really miss you, and I haven’t let myself admit that to anyone until now. Shit went down, and my life has been pretty awful so i felt like i was being attacked by the ones i trusted most and I didn’t know how to go about giving myself space and time when the one(s) i would have gone to were the ones who hurt me. And i know i hurt you too, i know I’m extremely stubborn and a bitch at times (okay, maybe more often than not) so that caused me to immediately be cold and shut you out and i do realize that i should have talked to you about it instead of pushing you away. You know i have issues, thats always been a common ground for us. That, and we do love each other. We may not be speaking right now, but i do still love you, you’ve been my best friend for years. And i would think that at least some part of you still loves me, even if it’s just a little bit.
I know we’ve had fights before, but i also know its never been this big. So i dont really know where i stand in your mind. I know what you said to me the last time we talked, and i know what i said. But now that time has passed and ive had lots of time to think about it all, my mind/perspective/whatever that word should be is different. Ive been thinking about texting you, but im a chicken and dont know if i should. I know i cant really expect anything, but maybe i should just put it all out there and then leave it up to you. But i dont have myself convinced that its a good idea yet. Thats why im posting this here, so that if you see this (which i thinkkk you might) then youll know whats going on in my head and maybe text me if thats whats you feel like you want to do. If not, then youll at least have time to think about it before you hear from me. And then i guess it’ll just wait until i man up and text you and just see how it goes then.

July 30

I spent the weekend with my second mom and my brother. We talked about tons of things. She’s gonna help me with my health stuff, shes gonna helo me get my license. And we talked a lot about all the problems with dad.
And now i decided i want to go live with her. I want to move out today, but im gonna have to wait, and this is gonna suck so bad dealing with all my dads shit. But at least once its over ill be out, ill be happy, and my life will be moving forward. Im so excited and im finally ready to take control of my life.

July 21

Sorry if these posts annoy you guys! I jusy post them because i don’t really have friends to talk to about all this stuff, and ive got problems keeping journals, so i basically just do this to get it out.

My relationship is one where we’re both completely open with each other, we’re always messing with each other and being that kind of fun mean since we both are very sarcastic and love to pick on each other and thats just the way our personalities flow, and we also have tons of lovey moments like basically everyday. But there are these times that happen less regularly so theyre more special and i absolutely love them. These times are when one or both of us are feeling very vulnerable and go each other for support, like last night when i was feeling very scared about my future health and career wise, or when we’re the opposite and full of confidence where we are just full of such strong love that everything just feels like its gonna be okay. And when we have these times it’s like theres nothing between us, no walls, no fear of what the other will think, nothing. And we just tell each other exactly how much we love each other, and the way we feel. And to me that is so crazy, its literally the best feeling ever. To know that person could do anything, be with anyone, love whoever they want, and they choose you. And they dont just choose you the first time they become your significant other, they choose you every single day that you’re together. I just love him so incredibly much, i can’t wait for the rest of our future together.

July 20

This is basically just going to be a huge long ramble of mumbo jumbo about my boyfriend, so keep on scrolling past this of yooouu aren’t interested.

Okay so ive had this problem lately where every other day i end up being awake for over 24 hours so all night all i do is think, and its 5am right now, so not tonight, but the night before this was one of those nights….so basically right now would be “Friday night” and thursday night would be the night i didn’t sleep. Although right now my brain is still in friday mode because i havent slept tonight yet either…and if you are reading this and you’re understanding what I’m saying then major props to you cuz i dont even know if what i said makes sense.
Moving on though, what i was thinking about durring that night was my boyfriend and our relationship, shocking! And i just had this… perspective changing moment and my brain did a complete 180. I keep wanting to call it an epiphony but its not like i discovered anything, but just like literally i had one of those moments where if i was in a cartoon a lightbulb would pop up above my head. So this moment was about how despite how tough things have been lately, i am very happy with the way my relationship is and how well we’re doing together. I mean ive always thought we had a great relationship, but lately it just seemed like the whole world was going crazy and things were getting so difficult that it was putting a strain on both of us. And its weird how one medium sized fight that lasted only an hour can make you see the good instead of the not so good. (Let me tell you though, usually its him that feels like he did something wrong, so when that switched around to me being the wrong do-er i did not like that shit at all. Yuck, i felt like such an awful person because i upset him.) So basically what had been going on is that we both have depression issues big time and any of you that have it know how much it can fuck with your mind, and we both were feeling so insecure, stressing, each of us feeling like we weren’t good enough for what the other deserved, BUT we were both keeping it inside because there wasnt really anything actually happening to put it on. So basically we both just had meltdowns at the same time and it just wasn’t pretty. Then when he got home and didnt want to talk to me, that was the worst. All i could think was that i fucked up and didnt know what to do, cuz me being stubborn still was thinking i didnt have anything to apologize for. Until he didnt want to talk, then that made me think so i abandoned my stubborn attitude and took responsibility and we worked it out and ot was fine. But he was having such a bad night it was awful. And then somehow i managed to turn his mood around and everything was all lovey dovey again. Thats when i really realized how good our relationship is. I dont know how exactly to put into words why it made me think that way, but it was just sort of eye opening. And he tweeted “i love my baby” and tagged me in it, and its so extremely stupid but that made me feel good, like he was proud to have me and wasnt afraid to let the world know it, right after we were just fighting.
I swear, this guy is just….he’s so amazing. He has changed my life for the better in so many ways, he has stuck literally by my side through everything the past almost 7 months has thrown at us, and he’s given me so much love. I just wish that there was a way that everyone else could see how wonderful he is, and not just look at the rumors or their preconceived ideas about him or the negatives only. So many people have gotten his selfesteem so low from the way they’ve treated him and he doesn’t deserve that at all. Those people are so wrong, but now he can’t see past it to all the goodness that he is. But i promise to him, to God, to the luck fairies and whoever else is out there, that i will do anything and everything i can to make hon see how great he is for the rest of our lives. I love him with all that i am. Hes worth everything to me.

July 18

Never go to bed angry.

You literally think it will never happen to you

But you just never know. It keeps getting closer and closer to home. One of my boyfriend’s friends that he’s known since elementary school. Someone I’ve gone to school with since middle school and talked to a few times in high school. Certainly not claiming to be close to him by any means, but someone in my world. I read his girlfriend’s tweets, and it broke my heart and made me cry. She’s living my worst fear and I don’t know how i would possible deal with that so i know she’s got to be an incredibly strong person to make it through that. And his family. My heart goes out to her and all of his family and friends. I dont usually say anything when deaths happen to people outside my immediate connections, because i feel like I’m not in a position to claim the right to compare my feelings about it to the feelings of the people they loved and who loved them. But this time it’s got me shaken up a bit. Its very scary that something like that, something so awful, could happen in my world. Thats not something i think about happening to anyone i know, but its a reality. And it just keeps happening so much lately, its kind of terrifying.

Rest in peace David

July 16

This all fucking sucks and I’m so fucking sick of life. What’s even the point. I can’t.

July 15

I never want to lose you and i will always do everything in my power to keep you here

July 12

Today i unpacked my entire room by myself, and it killed me, but it looks so good and i really love it. And overall today was pretty good, and my mood was a lot better, so that was nice

I saw a post on here recently, and i didn’t think to reblog it at the time, but since I saw it i’ve been thinking about it a lot and paying attention. It was talking about how a lot of posts are saying that you should fall in love with someone who reads, and intelligence is most important and all of these things about how the perfect people to fall in love with are quiet, content, intellectual, artistic, those sorts of things. The post was also talking about how those things arent true, If you fall in love with a reader, thats great, but if you fall in love with someone who hates reading, thats just as great.

When i saw it i basically just disregarded it, but i haven’t been able to help but notice that it was right. I would say about 95% of the posts ive seen talking about who you should love were mentioning the first type of people. And then i was thinking about how wrong that is and how wrong it made me feel for liking those posts in the past.

Don’t get me wrong, i still like them, and i am one of those reader artist people. However, i am head over heels in love with a guy who is smart but not someone who puts his focus on that  he likes having fun and being with people he enjoys and can have fun with, not people he cant have a stimulating conversation on the history of the eart with. I also and pretty sure he doesn’t even own a book. Obviously he’s read books, but he’s not someone who chooses to spend his time that way. He’s not artsy, although he does love music. He’s not quiet, and lots of the time he’s not even happy with life.

But you know what? He’s the greatest person I’ve ever know. No one has ever treated me as well as he does, and I’ve never been able to be completely 100% myself around anyone other than him. He genuinely cares about me and my happiness and makes so much effort to be what i need. And if i could choose anyone in the entire world to love me and be with, i would still choose him.

Just because someones not the ideal image of perfect, doesn’t mean they aren’t your version of perfect, and that you shouldn’t love them. And i just think some people need to be more aware of that.

July 10

I so badly want to get the fuck away from here.

July 10

I’m a little over one-sided relationships. If everything is gonna be put on me, including the blame when people aren’t happy with things, then why bother?

July 9 

This summer sucks and my life sucks and people suck and everything sucks and I’m so done.

July 8

Other than feeling like death right now, today has been a pretty good day. And God knows I needed that. I spent the majority of the day at my boyfriends house, talking, cuddling, listening to music and singing like crazy people and laughing so much. And having alone time, which we havent had in weeks which was really nice. I just really love spending time with him, so that boosted my mood. Then i went out to dinner for my aunt’s birthday and had super yummy food.
And now my boyfriend is coming over heeeere to watch Teen Wolf with me like we do every monday.

I think next on my list of things to do to make myself feel better is to spend a day with my dad this weekend cuz I havent spent much time with him in a long time.